A dork’s guide to being cool.

Some people are just plain cool. Unfortunately, most of us are not! This blog will allow even the nerdiest amongst us to experience the alluring world of cool. The key to coolness is copying the crowds. Follow these six simple steps to fit in with the popular people and shake off those geeky friends.

1. Dress to Impress

The first step to appearing cool is to wear the right brands. The easiest way to do this is to copy the crowd. Hang around outside Hollister. Wait for a group of young, cool looking kids and follow them in.

Stick close to the group and make note of the items they pick up and approve of. Once they have moved away, swoop in and examine the garments. To save money, only buy outer wear such as hoodies or jackets, where the logo will be clearly visible. That way you can still wear your Star Wars t-shirt underneath and no-one will ever know.

Beware: The staff will say hello and make friendly chat. Just return the greeting and walk away, they do not really want to be your friend or hear about your day.

Top Tip: Wear dark sunglasses while outside the shop. Once inside, remove your shades. Your eyes should now be adjusted to the dim lighting allowing you to see the colour of the clothes you are purchasing.

2. Word up

It is important you know the current slang. Using last year’s lingo could easily expose your inner geek. Now you have your Hollister hoodie, you should be safe to approach the skate park without being beaten up. Take a seat on the bench and listen to the language used.

Do not get out your X-men comic, this will only attract unwanted attention. Instead, put in some ear phones and pretend to be listening to some hot tunes. Make note of whether the words are used to mean good or bad. Now impress your peers with your new cool vocabulary.

Beware: Be careful who you use this street talk with. While skaters may praise each other by exclaiming a trick was ‘sick’, the old lady next door will be horrified if you declare her much loved Jack Russell is sick, even if you meant it as a compliment.

3. Music

Knowing what tunes are in, and more importantly knowing what is out, is crucial to keep your cool demeanour alive. Again, the key to this is copying the crowd. Find out what the cool people are listening to, by using apps like Shazam. Wander up when cool people are showing off their tunes and let Shazam work out what is playing.

It is important to be able to rattle off some cool band names if asked what you are listening to. No-one need know that the Dungeons and Dragons audio book is really playing through your headphones.

Top Tip: Wear big headphones. These say I’m too cool to talk to you. My music is far more interesting. This should prevent you from being questioned.

4. What are you chatting about?

Repeat the mantra: The key to coolness is copying the crowd. What are the cool people talking about? Put your big headphones on and do a spot of eaves-dropping.

Topics are likely to be about sports, X-box games, fashion or music. Observe conversations initially and then utilise your nerd skills to research some key facts about the topics enabling you to join in next time. Note: Only research key facts, no one will be impressed by a spread-sheet detailing all of the Premiership player appearances and statistics since the league began.

5. Places to be

Now you have some basic knowledge of the cool people’s past times you will know where to find them and hang out. Join a sports club. Go to the shops they have mentioned or to the cinema to see the film they were talking about.

Top Tip: Sit next to the cool people wherever you can, in the canteen, in the cinema or in the bar. Passers-by will assume you are part of the group thus elevating your social status.

Beware: Your street credibility could crash back to zero if you are seen going into Chess Club.

6. Party Time

Now you have some cool clothes and know the cool crowd better it’s time to turn that funky music up and throw a party!

Only invite the cool people. That means leaving your old geeky friends behind but don’t worry they will be quite happy playing World of Warcraft at home.

Join in with the chat, try out your new lingo, relax and enjoy your new status.

Top Tip: Rig up a device at the end of the street to play a loud police siren, and flash blue lights, remotely controlled from your mobile. Once activated, the crowd will scarper. This allows you to end the party at your convenience, whilst ensuring the party is remembered for the foreseeable future.

Congratulations. You are now cool

So you have made it to coolness by following these easy steps. From now on it’s easy, just continue copying the crowd and don’t feel bad about ditching your dorky childhood pals. It’s for their own good. If they want to be your friend they will have to turn cool and who better to learn from, than the newly crowned King of Cool. That’s you.