Are you a visiting alien? Perhaps you are here on holiday, looking to relocate, or thinking about invading. Whatever your reason, welcome to planet Earth. This guide aims to provide you with useful information to make your stay as enjoyable as possible.

Social Media – While you are here, make sure you record your stay and share your experiences with the world, and possibly beyond. Check in on facebook wherever you go and send tweets of all random thoughts throughout the day. This is important as some people will judge your worth by the number of Twitter followers you have. Don’t worry though, not everyone is so fickle to worry about social media clout. Others will judge you by the car that you drive instead.

Highway Code – Talking of cars. If you wish to drive your space vehicle through the streets you will need to take a driving test first. With your superior intelligence this will be easy, there are plenty of idiots on the roads who have somehow managed to pass. Before your test you will need to learn the highway code. This is a set of rules and guidelines that drivers obey to ensure road safety. Please note: Drivers of BMWs appear to be exempt.

TV – Watching soap operas is a good way to learn about our culture. However, please be aware that not everyone has enough spare cash to spend all day in pubs or cafes and if you think everyone in Eastenders is rude, that is nothing, wait until you visit London for real.

Sports – Why not make friends by trying one of our popular team sports? Many games such as hockey and football are played on a similar looking pitch. It is important to study the rules and make sure you are playing the right game. While it is fine for hockey players to whack each other’s ankles with a big stick this is not acceptable in football.

Weather – In the UK, weather is never just weather. It is always too hot, too cold, too wet or too dry and people like to talk about this problem a lot. It is likely that during your stay you will experience cold water being poured on you from the sky. Do not take offence, it will be poured on everyone and it is called rain. Rain occurs when the clouds become full and burst. Please note: For health and safety reasons, please do not climb on the clouds.

I hope you have found this guide useful and that you enjoy your time here on planet Earth.